Do you ever feel like you are in the void? That nether place between awake and sleep or reality and fantasy or doing and not doing? Actually, I think it may be the "waiting" place that Dr. Seuss talks about in Oh, The Places You'll Go. I come here occasionally. Not intentionally, of course. I think that makes it actually worse. I've been actually wallowing in it for about 2 days. Before I go any further, I should tell you, I'm planning on leaving here tomorrow. I just needed a couple of days. Let me explain.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
The last 6 years I have served on a board. Various boards. Different non-profits where I felt I could serve. Saturday night brought my most recent service pretty much to a close after I organized an event with nearly 200 ticket holders plus a many entertainers and their families. I had help. Lots of of it. Nevertheless, the success or failure of the event fell on my shoulders (at least in my own mind). Truthfully, near the end I was not sure I could pull off this one last thing. But, I was in a sprint to the finish line and ready to hand off the organization to other capable hands. So, adrenaline, adrenaline, adrenaline......race, race, race. Crash. Yep. I've crashed. Not a little bit crashed. But, big, adrenaline fatigue, how the hell did I get here crash. And now, I stand - in the void.
I feel a little bit like Sirius Black must have felt when he crashed through the doorway into the other side. Really. All I can say is I am choosing to honor this space. I'm going to take this time that I need to refocus and take all of that wonderful energy that I have been giving out through my volunteer work and channel it back into myself for my own success and growth. Though in the void, today I spent two hours listening to blogcasts by Leonie Dawson and how to work through the Create Your Shining Year in Biz Workbook. It was all I could do and I am now exhausted beyond words. Though in the void, I knew that if I did not find something constructive that was spiritually uplifting that would help me fill that space, I would not be satisfied.
Today I stand here in the void. Tomorrow, I stand in the light.
We all have transformative periods in our lives. For each of us this transformation looks different. Or, at least I assume it does but I don't know because I only truly know my own transformation. Some of these periods of time are huge. Some are smaller. Some are somewhere in between. ALL are LIFE-ALTERING. I stepped into another one of these periods in the fall. It began to rise after the Autumnal Equinox and crested at Halloween in a wave that I rode until I crashed a few weeks ago and then it all began again. I knew this wave would be faster and that a brick wall would be at the end. Would I hit the wall and fall or would I transform the wall and move through?
Knowing I needed help I began to seek out physical support and also asked the Universe for guidance. The message: gratitude. There were other messages but this was the big one. I have not expressed gratitude to those who opened these doors, supported my growth and walked this journey with me. The message was huge and my wheels began spinning (as did everything and I had moments of vertigo once again off and on all week).
"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance." Eckhart Tolle
The week prior I had received another huge message. One that I am still wrestling with and will blog about later after I come out the other side, but this message could not have come - or at least I could not have heard it - had I not been listening, asking. I knew who I had to thank. And, I knew it had to be real. This could not be a Universal text message or a silent prayer of thanks. Those are the easy ones. This is a humbling of oneself, of myself as I send thanks and well wishes as I sit down to write.
I knew when this message came that I until I "got it" and until I did this work and then shared it with others, my own growth would stall. So today, I ask you: WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR? WHO DO YOU NEED TO THANK?
"At times, our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us." Albert Schweitzer
When we approached the adoption of our daughter from China in 2009 I had dreams. I had dreams of sitting with this beautiful little girl at Chinese cultural events, dressed in red silk, participating in event with other adoptive families or the Nashville Chinese community. You know, dreams? That's not WHY we adopted. But, I knew from the BEGINNING that if I was not willing to share her birth culture with her and in turn with our entire family, then I was really approaching this whole thing from the wrong angle.
Arriving home, I won't say my dreams were dashed, but they definitely were put on simmer (really, stuck in the freezer) until I could rally enough to engage. I came home with layers of sickness. Smog related asthma that left me on an inhaler for 3 months, multiple infections due to our stays at the children's hospital. Oh yeah, 3 surgeries and speech therapy the first year home. And, did I mention, I lost my mother during that time? You can see why joining the local Families with Children from China was sort of low on our priority list.
Eventually, it did rise and found its way to the top and that's how I found myself the President of the local chapter. Two years after our adoption we attended our first event and the following fall I joined the board. I wish I could say I was begged to be on the board due to my enormous talents but the reality is...no one else would do it. It was me, a woman who was going on year 5 as the President and another mom going on year 3.
Let. Me. Be. Clear. Nashville has a huge adoption community. Add that to the large community of adoptive parents in the surrounding counties and you really have a large group of people. Hundreds of families. So, why were only 3 families willing to serve? I can list 10 reasons and I can list none. Because at the end of the day one thing and one thing only matters. My kid.
I promised her. I promised myself. And, I promised the Chinese government. She will have access to her culture for as long as she wants it. When she reaches a point developmentally when she says enough, I will say okay (not really). Then, we will go down to the big event. Chinese New Year.
There is so much more to say on this subject and as I wrap up my time on the FCC board, I will write more. But for now, do yourself and your child a favor. Find a Chinese New Year event near you and attend.
(Above, the Moon in traditional Chinese dance costume.)
There is an idea in the world that folks that have their stuff together do it all on their own with no support. This idea has slapped me in the face over, and over and over and right now, today, I call BS on it. Not that I have the appearance of having it all together (though some say I do), but I need help. In SO many ways. That's why in the fall, when I decided to read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, I sent out the call to other women, because I knew I needed their support and I had an idea that they might need mine. That's why last May, when I attended a large metaphysical conference, I asked Spirit for guidance and was pointed toward vibrational sound healer Shira Hunt and now see her on a regular basis. That's why this year's manifestation circle is done - well - in a circle of women who are also on the path to seeking all of the good of the Universe (which we need to counteract the bad).
Over the past few months as my path has begun to once again accelerate I have repeatedly hit a wall and just collapsed on the ground. It has been weeks of go, go, go with the kids layered with supporting others in their journey, layered with the Universe heaping prosperity upon me with clients layered with..... So, two weeks ago I emailed Shira and made an appointment. The week of the appointment I repeatedly sat down at my computer to send a cancellation email. I don't have the time for this or the money. I shouldn't need this. I just need to plan better or meditate more or whatever to keep myself going. But, looking back over the week and remember how I crashed on Monday after our manifestation circle on Sunday night, I new I had to go. The morning of the appointment as Nathan and I were preparing for our day he asked "What are you doing today"?" Going to see the vibrational healer. He simply nodded. It was the kind of nod that is approving and affirming. The nod that tells me that he knows that I need some support to keep on at this level.
As I got ready to leave I was given a message from my higher self. Commit. You have committed to your path. Now you have to commit to have support along the way from others or you cannot continue this work. So, I committed. When I wrapped up with Shira, I did something I rarely do. I made another appointment. When I say I rarely do this, I mean, I rarely do this. There is only place I will schedule out an appointment and that is at the dentist. Not kidding. Next will be a lymphatic massage with my favorite therapist, and yes, I'll make a monthly appointment with her.
Today, I challenge you. Whether or not you consider yourself to be a healer commit to healing yourself today. Commit to finding that Reiki practitioner or massage therapist or maybe it's the perfect yoga teacher for you. Whatever it is, find it. Give yourself this gift as you share your gift with so many others. Look for healing, within and without.
For me, I know I cannot continue to truly heal and support others unless I am healing and supporting myself.
I’m Dana Croy and I am a modern day mama. Balancing family and work is not always easy (not to mention a little self-care). Though being Mama to two fantastic kiddos is a huge part of my life, that was not always the case. I wear many other hats and invite to sit down and find harmony with me.