The time for the solitary circle, the circle of one, to end. I've known for a very long time, but finding the right circle, the right group, has seemed like too much work. I've stepped into circle, attempted to create my own circles. Now, a circle is in front of me. Do I step in or do I watch from the periphery?
The first circle I attended was in 1997. I had prayed feverishly for 3 things that year. I didn't "goal set", which I do now. There was no vision board (you better believe that visioning is now a huge part of my life). But, there was certainly a singular focus and an understanding that year that if I did not do "something" that my life would NEVER be what it could be, what it was supposed to be.
So, I prayed and thought and visualized in my head for:
1. The love of my life
2. A great job to pull me out of the bonds of retail management
3. A connection to the Divine so real and powerful and would meet me spiritually in the deep primordial way that I so longed for.
Within 6 weeks in late summer/early fall of 1997, they all came to be. My BFF was part of a women's circle and I was invited to come to a weekend with a Shaman from New Zealand, which changed my life and opened a door to something that (this is my ego talking), most people can only dream of - not because they cannot experience it - but because they won't.
Those other two things. Yes, they happened as well. After meeting the Grandfather from NZ, I received a call from an old acquaintance that offered me a fantastic day job in property management AND I met the man I now call "husband". 1997 was a good year.
From that time until 2001, I stood in a circle, twice a week plus equinoxes and solstices with a group of men and women that worked together in earnest and in pursuit of the higher teachings that truly have been mysteries for thousands of years. This was a magical time of my life - in both real and esoteric terms.
But, somewhere along the way, I shifted. I know when it happened. It came with pregnancy. No longer the maiden - stepping into the power of the mother - my eyes adjusted and my place as equal and as a carrier of a different knowledge grew, which made the facilitator of our circle not very happy. Truthfully, it was time. Spirit knew it was time. Discord grew among the circle and unhappiness with the ego of our dear friend who had been our homebase, our "leader" in a way for so long. In 2001, I left that group, not entirely knowing why, but knowing it was the right thing to do.
Over the next couple of years, I stepped in and out of other circles, trying to find a new spiritual home. It never happened. Maybe my fear of being hurt, my knowledge that I needed to focus on motherhood, I don't know. In 2016, I wrote a letter to her, my friend, my mentor, who taught me so much. The letter told her how grateful I was, I thanked her for opening her home and her life and sharing and teaching. A shift happened, as they do when you release.
In 2016, I went to a full moon retreat. I had been leading a small circle off and on at my home for a year or so, when women were interested in coming, but truthfully, this isn't my calling. Am I a teacher? Yes. Coach one and one? Yep. Hold the energy. Yes. Serve as mentor. Of course. But, lead the group in that way. I'll leave it to others. At the retreat, I wasn't going to learn or to even be among sisters. I went to get away, to see if I could reconnect with that part of myself and to see if I could stomach being in a group in this way again.
It was a beautiful weekend and I recharged myself in the way I needed. Now, here we are a year and a half later. My friend, the leader of the retreat, has formed a new sisterhood. A circle of women. I've watched this unfold the last few months as she has geared up to launch this new endeavor. The last few months have found me in great silence and listening for the calls of my soul as I heal from grief and embrace this middle life I have entered. I am listening to Spirit as she guides me forward. My business has changed. My direction has shifted slightly. And, she has told me that I need to be in a circle. No longer a solitary practitioner of her arts.
So, I signed up. It did it. Once in March, once in April. No anxieties. No second guessing. Just the call and answer.
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